Take My Virginity, Please! Losing Your Virginity Ain’t What It Used to Be

Back in the day, calling something “virginal” gave it the connotation of being undisturbed. Like “virgin waters”, the girls who were “undisturbed” by the men were "virgin girls". Women didn’t really have sex, so much as they were had…by grunting men in tunics…who had themselves been had by the Romans, and were therefore looking for some place to pay it forward.

These days we think of maintaining one's virginity as a more active practice...

You could easily seek out sex, but you choose not to.

You’re not a lake sitting around hoping no oinkers decide to do Canonballs in you.

You are water in motion, and you go around deciding whether or not to go tsunami on dudes’ asses. You may still say "take my virginity", but you're doing the crashing onto their shores.

That’s the deal.

If you do choose to 'go tsunami' on some bohunk, aka initiate sex, it’s a bit annoying to have people telling you that you’re a disturbed lake.

“You could have been pristine, but your waters are now muddied, because you’ve been had.”

I'm not so sure that's even possible, if only because guys these days simply don’t have the polluting capabilities they once did.

Even if you act very passively, and give them a go-ahead and and say "take my virginity", they barely do.

Based on a survey of gal pals, what is being called "banging" these days more closely resembles a feeble tap on the shoulder - "Do you have the time?"

Women who supposedly lost their virginity years back can't help but feel no one ever really took it, you know, with gusto. They feel disturbingly...undisturbed.

Perhaps this is because modern men, not having been forcefully ‘had’ by the Romans, just don’t possess that same aggressive impulse to do unto others [GALS] as others (ROMANS) had done [HAD] unto [INTO] them. And it shows.

Often, after having been promised a good sexing, a girl will find herself lying next to a lover, feeling ‘had’, yes, but only in the sense of having been duped; she thought her chosen lover was going to give her a good ‘had-ing’, but yet there she remains, unclaimed, like one of those half-finished beers they call wounded soldiers?

For propriety’s sake, a woman might pretend to be upset over feeling "used" but more likely she is frustrated that she was so…unused. “I have to purchase underwear before work at the midtown Strawberries…for that?”

If a woman says "Oh, God! I’ve been used!”, I say "you’re lucky he knew how to use you!"

When you consider the meek-ass efforts of the gentle romeos loitering in our beds, most modern non-virgins could well be called virgins.

Dudes don't deflower anyone anymore, so much as they stop and appreciate the flower and then tiptoe away leaving no carbon footprint.

Oh, how green!

To sum up, you have a few annoying options when it comes to ‘losing your virginity’ these days:

1. Find the perfect person. Do it early or wait until marriage. Either way, get psyched to give him the gift of the first holy swim in your virgin waters, only to hardly notice when he does, because he slips in like a gentle newt practicing the art of making no waves.
2. Seek out sex like a wave heading for shore, and knock some men on their asses, only to have a well-meaning a-hole tell you how sad it is that you've allowed your waters to be disturbed.

Happy trails, gals.

PS. Check out my safe sex keychain:

True Love...Waits 4 Condoms by jokesnovak

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