How to Get Over Rejection:
REFUSE TO ACCEPT IT.

Broken heart poems are for teens, letters of objection are for adults...and cool teens.

Rejection leads to dejection, unless you intercept with a solid objection.

Put down the guitar and hold off with your contribution to the world's collection of songs about unrequited love. Why not at least try to requite that shit and then write a song about that? If you just love writing songs about broken hearts, go ahead and do it anyway…but have the LOVE OF YOUR LIFE fucking you from behind while you do it. Below I'll show you a way to use your writing skills more productively...

Yes, in most cases, when someone dumps you, or rejects your plea to go from friends to lovers, it is important to…let it be. “Urging them to reconsider" is a bit silly. Would you really want to be with someone knowing that he or It had to be persuaded to stay with you? And who knows how long the lover will even remain persuaded? People do, after all, need to learn how to get over rejection.

Yeah, yeah, but maybe not today. You’re a fighter, and you're more in a Happiness is a Warm Gun mood than the Let it Be variety.

And you have your reasons...

Perhaps you know the person better than he knows himself, that his lack of self-awareness is what’s to blame for him not realizing the absolute fact that he is completely in love with you. It would be unkind not to enlighten him.

Possibly, you’re just not in the mood to play the role of the broken heart girl to family and friends who will then gift you incessantly with advice and lame quotes about heartache.

Maybe you just heard a streak of Mariah Carey hits on 103.9 and are feeling inspired by her essential message that they always still want you and you should annoy them into coming back.

Get OVER rejection?
I'll get in FRONT of it, thank you.

If you’re determined to attempt to convince a guy that he loves you, you have to handle yourself rationally, otherwise you’ll come off as desperate, and might get arrested. It’s time to get logical on his ass.

In that spirit, I strongly suggest you use email or text to make your case, because if you try to make the argument in person, you risk falling back on your go-to method of persuasion, aka the blow job. You will misinterpret his exclamations as primal, yes, but certain pronouncements of love, but once his refractory period is over, you’ll be back on the streets of Loneliness, living under the bridge of Shame and Degradation.

To make it easy for you to behave with dignity, I’ve posted a sample letter for email or extended broken up text use below. It demonstrates how to appropriately announce your intention to debate a fellow on the issue of him not being in love with you. This version is particularly suited to a situation in which a guy tells you he values your friendship too much to risk ruining it with a romantic relationship.

Having this document ready for customization in a time of crisis will lessen the chances of you shooting off an impulse text a la “you know you fucking love me, you have to, you idiot. I’m downstairs, can I come up?”

You’ll note that the tone is extremely dignified, (thank you, thank you) and for that reason this invitation to an almost scholarly debate will completely obscure the fact that you’re crazy and desperate, and would shoot yourself in the stomach on his front stoop if you thought it might get him to come downstairs and pay you some attention.

Behold…

WHY YOU SHOULD LOVE ME: A SAMPLE LETTER ANNOUNCING INTENTION OF DEBATE

TO: [Insert name of object of affection]FROM: [insert your name]

I can’t stand for you to embarrass yourself this way. Sauntering around thinking foolish thoughts, wearing your rubbish notions as a crown, yes, even if this farce’s audience is composed of only you and me. After all, whose opinions are more important than your own or your “dearest friend’s”?

A look at our history reveals that you and I have never pulled punches on any intellectual dispute ranging from the minute to moral, nor smiled politely to avoid a discussion which risked friction. Have we not remarked on many occasions that to “agree to disagree” is the cop-out of the cowardly? This willingness to engage a dispute is what we most value in each other, along with my charm and your abdominals.

Since it is you who insists on your absolute devotion to our friendship and determination to protect and maintain it through life, I suspect you would see it as fit, as I do, that in this time of conflict, we lean into the wind of awkwardness and trudge a path consistent with our long-time rapport.

Surely, the matter of disagreement at hand, being of a more personal nature than usual, threatens to divide us, but why not instead embrace it as an opportunity to do what we do best? Steel my rational mind against yours, yours against mine, and apply earnest force until the weakest ideas tire out, and only what is strong and true is left standing. Then as always we can sit back and revel in the clarity we’ve unraveled together, and toast our friendship with a tall glass of my sparkling ass.

So…

In the interest of a friendship you claim to value above all else, please accept my gentlewomanly invitation to what is sure to be our most intriguing and unavoidable intellectual duel yet.

I look forward to enlightening you as to your recent error in judgment. I must confess I suspect this debate will end before you have a chance to counter, as when it comes to blows, my initial has the weight to double as final.

In response to the swift strike of my argument, I expect even swifter action on your part to demonstrate your realization that you were wrong and I am right. I still like jewelry and DVDs. Don’t hesitate. I promise I will not dance in victory as if to mock your defeat for it is also a victory to come to one’s senses as you no doubt will.

If you try to simply admit you were wrong, without taking any action to prove to me your mended perspective, I will consider my argument not comprehensively impressed upon you, in which case I will take the trouble to revise and resubmit.

Or, should I suspect the admission of error on your part is only an attempt to placate my ego, and being that such flaccid surrenders are the death of any intellectual relationship -- then it will be you who has put an end to our friendship by dropping your end of the most taut and engaging cord between us – the tension of healthy debate.

If you are surprised to hear from me so soon after the events of last night, let me emphasize: I did indeed hear your decision to continue as friends, and I have accepted it wholly. The following argument is not a rejection of your decision*, but first and foremost an effort to demonstrate my embracing of it by immediately picking up with one of our most cherished friendly activities.

*The fact that the debate centers upon the concept of whether or not friendship is the most appropriate relationship for the two of us to entertain is of little consequence – merely a convenient topic I have chosen since it is so fresh in our minds.

Please do not take this extended invitation and explanation of the proposed engagement as an attempt to stall. When one knows one is right, assuredness is a given, and such a general takes her time dressing for battle, knowing that whenever the battle occurs, it will be won.

To begin:

ASSERTION: I rebuke the statement proposed last evening [insert date] that you [insert name] do not love me [insert name] “like that.”

I, [name], intend to demonstrate that you [name] do in fact love me [name] “like that” and that your mere statement of the opposite, last evening or again now, does not constitute evidence enough for me to give up my campaign to have you.

The How to Get Over Rejection (without trying to deny it's happening) tidbits are on their way, but I felt it was important to first post the preventative medicine prescribed above.

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