The Key to Dirty Talk in the Bedroom

One Must Establish a Hospitable Habitat for Erotic Language

It might sound a bit formal, but the truth is you can be in a real long term relationship with someone for even many weeks,not only without ever experimenting with dirty talk in the bedroom or elsewhere, but without ever once having referred to genitals aloud. It's totally understandable that you might be hesitant to leap from a moratorium on the words themselves to artful dirty talk in full sentences, while having to move your body at the same time? If you're not prepared, you'll be falling back on the default enthusiastic grunts you learned from Cinemax.

If you’re worried about suddenly dropping a term your partner particularly hates, you’re gonna be especially hesitant to let the sexy phrases fly free, and that serves no one, other than your apartment mates, or intelligent dog or cat or iguana.

Note: Dirty Talk in the bedroom isn't
so much "dirty" as it is "relevant."

Start small by asking what he thinks about a single sex word. Try to be subtle and non-threatening, with something like:

“What should I call your [cock]? I mean your “whatever”.

Yes, I’m advocating both parts of the above statement — the first statement and then the fake self-correction*. In place of ‘cock’, you should put the word you’re hoping he’ll opt for. That way, if he’s happy with it, it will be easy for him to say “that will do” or hopefully, to show immediately demonstrate his comfortability, “cock will do”. If he despises the word Cock, your self correction, "or whatever", will allow him to feel free to make an alternate suggestion. If he says, "whatever will do," you must check if he means that he wants you to call his cock "Whatever" or if he's giving you a Wild Card to call it 'whatever' sexy phrase comes to mind.

If you take the first step, and say the raunchy words, you're making it easier for you partner to follow suit. Actually...

The moment you leak the word Cock into the air between you, it's like you're introducing a new species into the environment of say, your dinner table, which then begins to evolve into a life-sustaining habitat for the new word species.

The word organism Cock that you released through utterance suffers the initial environmental discomfort, so that when your partner releases his utterances in response, a habitat is already emerging.

The more Cocks you introduce into the air above your beet and goat cheese salad, the more an accommodating ecosystem will spring up to support them. In turn, this will attract related species such as the Two-toed Australian "Hand Job", the Flying "Ass Play", and others to move in. Simple but vital Flora species like balls, butt, crotch and others, will crop up as the grass and moss to provide sustenance for those words higher up on the food chain — like the original cock species, pussy, blow-job, suck, fuck,and whatever you struggle with.

This is, of course, assuming you’re dating a wuss of a man whom you must coddle this way, but that’s a safe assumption given the sexual climate these days.

I confess, I shared these thoughts with my good guy friend, Mike. I explained my theory about how it can be awkward to start saying body part words aloud, because you don’t know your boyfriend or lover or professor’s preferences, and don’t want to gross him out with a word that offends him.

What if you drop the word cock and the guy’s thinking, "wait, cock? You’ve been having sex with my “cock” all this time? Um, my “dick” doesn’t feel too good about that.” Or, likewise, if someone says something about a woman’s “vulva”, she might be like, “woah, you been attracted to me this whole time while thinking the word vulva? That’s weird.”

That would be like finding out a dude’s been calling me Jacqueline to my face, but in his mind actually thinking of me as Tuna Fish Sandwich. He thinks, “Oh, look, I have a missed call from Tuna Fish Sandwich” or “I don’t think I’m in the mood to see Tuna Fish Sandwich tonight.” Yeah, who would? No matter how many low rise jeans I buy, I wouldn’t be able to offset that Tuna Fish Sandwich thing. You want to know what words your partner’s hearing in his head, in case they turn out to be not how you want to represent your nether self.

Mike said that mine were totally irrelevant concerns, because if you’re a guy hooking up with a lady, no matter what she calls your cock, “you’re just happy to be there.”

Oh.

*A la Train’s Meet Virginia “She smokes a pack a day — wait that’s me — but anyway…”



Note: When discussing Dirty Talk in the bedroom, "bedroom" should be taken broadly to mean any setting in which you engage in sexual activity with your partner. Jokesnovak.com doesn't discriminate against people living in studio apartments.

Also, this article "Dirty Talk in the Bedroom" is not to be confused with the highly anticipated upcoming tutorial piece for learning to openly communicate with a slobbish lover, entitled "Triscuits in the Sheets: Talking in the Dirty Bedroom"

Finally, for people who were interested in learning how to accost sales associates at Bloomingdale's, you might want to perform a narrower search, such as "Dirty Talk in the Bedroom Department of Bloomingdale's.

I hope you enjoyed the first nugget of Dirty Talk in the Bedroom.

More to come.

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